Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
