hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
