I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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