you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize