he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
