We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
