Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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