I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
