whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
so let's talk penis.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
