I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
