So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
