I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Randomize
