Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i think my tv is drunk
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
