While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
