my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
