she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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