You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
