dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
