She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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