forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize