If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
