I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
