Please, let me fuck your mom
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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