turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Just pee around me
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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