i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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