I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
