I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize