I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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