I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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