none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
