Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
