no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
