I accidentally had phone sex last night
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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