let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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