if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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