She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize