Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
