So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Randomize
