pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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