The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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