oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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