i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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