who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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