My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize