I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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