Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
what day is it and did you see me today?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
