I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
