i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I've blown a few things in my day
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize