I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
