in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Also, beer. Big fan.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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