I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Randomize
