he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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