i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
