i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
