wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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