Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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