he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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