i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
