I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
