Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
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