I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Randomize