I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
