I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
