So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
