dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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